Kyle (South Park.)
Kyle B. [5] Broflovski is the second most prominent member of Stan’s Gang and one of South Park’s main characters, alongside Eric Cartman, Stan Marsh, and Kenny McCormick. Loosely based on co‑creator Matt Stone, Kyle is the only Jewish family—and the only non-Christian family—in South Park. He is often noted for this fact, as well as his intelligence. Just as Kyle is loosely modeled after Matt Stone, and his “Jewfro” hairstyle is inspired by Matt Stone’s own signature look, Kyle’s Jewish identity stems from the fact that part of Matt Stone’s family practices Judaism—though, unlike Stone, Kyle has no gentile background or heritage anywhere in his family. He is the only one of The Boys who has never been shot. He is also the only one of The Boys whose name does not appear in an episode (though during the Imaginationland trilogy, a title card for the episode “Imaginationland” jokingly declared, “Kyle Sucks Cartman’s Balls”). Kyle celebrated his tenth birthday in “Casa Bonita,” though he didn’t officially turn ten until 2011. While it wasn’t explicitly stated whether it was his ninth or tenth birthday—since he was already nine in “Cartmanland”—it’s reasonable to assume that “Casa Bonita” was where Kyle marked his tenth birthday, and he was officially aged up to ten in “Crack Baby Athletic Association.” In “Cherokee Hair Tampons,” Kyle was introduced as having diabetes—but just like Stan’s inhaler was briefly mentioned in “Sexual Harassment Panda,” Kyle’s condition was never brought up again. Kyle Broflovski has more physical health issues than anyone else on the show—including Scott Malkinson and Sophie Gray—largely due to his diabetes. Despite his many health challenges, Kyle is remarkably physically strong, especially when he’s angry. He and Cartman are the only members of The Boys who share the same hair color as their mothers: Stan has his father’s hair color, and Kenny doesn’t resemble either of his parents’ hair colors—unless you count Butters as one of “The Boys”—but he despises his own hair for its height and texture. Although he’s the only character ever explicitly mentioned as sharing the same first name as another character—his cousin Kyle Schwartz—he’s far more than just another character with the same first name as someone else. Kyle Broflovski is the only character whose first name matches that of a real-life relative. According to Cartman in “The End of Obesity,” Kyle has freckles. He’s the only one of the boys who doesn’t have straight hair—or even average-sized hair. Kyle has diabetes and appears in the Season 27 trailer sporting bird flu. He’s also the only one of the four boys who isn’t Christian; he’s Jewish. Kyle is the only member of The Boys who wasn’t born in Colorado—he was conceived in New Jersey. Stan, Cartman, and Kenny are all from South Park. Unlike Cartman, but much like Stan and Kenny, Kyle is kind, sweet, tender, and sensitive. Kyle’s two closest friends are Stan and Kenny. Kyle Facts Kyle is the smartest of The Boys, though he occasionally—very rarely—becomes a bit arrogant about it, and he practices Judaism. The show has long stereotyped and satirized his intelligence as being tied to his faith. He rarely boasts about his intellect, which speaks volumes about his generally moral and humble nature—much like Kenny, though Kenny never becomes boastful or arrogant. His skills and intelligence have proven invaluable in countless episodes, putting him to good use time and again. Among the main group, he’s the only one without naturally straight hair, and the only one of his faith—especially the only one who doesn’t belong to the Roman Catholic branch of Christianity, and not Christian at all, really. He’s the only boy who wears a “big hat,” likely because his hair is so thick and voluminous. He’s often portrayed as single and unattached romantically—though he’s shown interest in Heidi Turner in episodes or arcs where Cartman was dating her, and even earlier, in Rebecca Cotswolds. Kyle has a cousin named Kyle Schwartz, who shares his first name; Kyle Schwartz is the son of Kyle’s unnamed maternal aunt, and his aunt—Sheila’s sister—was only mentioned once, in Kyle Schwartz’s introduction episode, and never brought up again; she was never seen or heard in the series. Kyle is so embarrassed by his cousin Kyle that, in Kyle Schwartz’s debut episode, he tried to have him either killed off or sent back to his hometown of Connecticut. Like Matt Stone, Kyle Broflovski sports reddish hair styled in a “Jewfro” and wears an ushanka, just as Stone himself once did. At one point, Trey and Matt even considered writing him off entirely, replacing him with Butters, because they found Kyle too similar to Stan—a reflection of how Parker and Stone are strikingly alike in real life, since Stan and Kyle are loosely based on their respective creators. Matt and Trey ultimately decided to keep Kyle around, partly because of his comedic potential in his strained relationship with Cartman, and partly because Stone and Parker had grown tired of constantly trying new ways to kill off Kenny—and eventually decided to permanently write Kenny out of the series, though that decision would later be reversed. Kyle loves to study and often appears deeply invested in learning and earning good grades. Kyle’s catchphrases include: “I had to see it to believe it!”; “Jesus Christ! I had to see it to believe it!”; and “YOU BASTARDS!” Just as Stan has a condition that’s never revisited—Stan being an asthmatic—Kyle is diabetic. Trey Parker and Matt Stone originally intended to give Kyle reddish hair styled in a Jewfro, mirroring Stone’s own reddish-toned hair, which he also wore in a Jewfro when he was younger. Parker and Stone also wanted to give Kyle a Russian–Polish–Jewish surname, so they settled on the last name Broflovski. Kyle Broflovski has more physical health issues than anyone else on the show—including Scott Malkinson and Sophie Gray—largely due to his diabetes. Despite Cartman’s claim in “Ginger Kids” that Kyle has a fair, regular white skin tone and no freckles, in the Paramount+ special “The End of Obesity,” Cartman notes that Kyle is “a dipshit ugly ginger with freckles,” meaning that while Kyle is animated to look as if he lacks freckles, he actually does have them—just like his adopted younger Canadian brother, Ike. In “The Passion of the Jew,” Kyle was horrified by Mel Gibson’s “The Passion of the Christ” (simply called “The Passion” in South Park) and his Jewish faith was shaken. He became remorseful and deeply unsettled, even going so far as to urge other Jews to apologize for the death of Jesus at his temple or synagogue. Kyle was conceived in Newark, New Jersey, but his mother moved to South Park, Colorado, while pregnant with him—and he was born and raised there. In “Cherokee Hair Tampons,” Kyle is introduced as having diabetes. According to “Two Days Before the Day After Tomorrow,” like other Jews, Kyle keeps a strand of “Jew gold” around his neck, wearing a fake piece to safeguard the real one—and according to that episode, all Jews wear a strand of “Jew gold” around their necks, keeping a fake piece safe while preserving the real one. Kyle is the only one of the main boys who doesn’t have straight hair, and he’s the only one with thick, voluminous hair. Catchphrases “YOU BASTARDS!” “I had to see it to believe it!”[6] “Jesus, I should’ve known!” “Whoa, dude!” “No, it’s not cool!” “Dude, weak.” “Shut up, fatass!” “Good job, fatass!” “What the hell are you doing, fatass?” “You’re such a fatass, Cartman.” “Don’t belittle my people, you f*cking fatass!” Background Kyle begins the series convinced that Cartman has been probed by aliens—and he tries to convince Cartman of this while simultaneously attempting to rescue his younger brother, Ike. Throughout the episode, Kyle and his friends work tirelessly to save Ike, and Kyle succeeds in bringing him home. The episode ends with Cartman developing pinkeye and falling into a deep state of distress. Kyle comes from a Jewish household. He sometimes feels left out during holidays like Christmas and Hanukkah, as the rest of the town is Christian and Kyle can’t celebrate Christmas. He is an American Jewish boy of Russian and Polish descent. Religious Beliefs Kyle is Jewish, though this detail isn’t officially revealed until “Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo,” despite brief mentions in the second “The Spirit of Christmas” short and in “Big Gay Al’s Big Gay Boat Ride.” It was also mentioned in “An Elephant Makes Love to a Pig.” Cartman regularly makes derogatory remarks about Jewish people—often directly in Kyle’s presence—specifically to provoke him. Kyle seems to harbor mixed feelings toward Judaism, and there’s conflicting evidence regarding his family’s religious practices—for example, while they dress similarly to many observant Jews (Gerald, for instance, always wears a yarmulke), they apparently don’t observe the Sabbath or follow very strict sexual guidelines (Sheila Stone, Matt Stone’s mother, was herself a secular Sephardic Jew). Kyle’s apparent indifference toward religion may stem from his desire to fit in with his mostly Roman Catholic friends. Kyle is more often defensive than proud of his faith, and while he regularly attends events like “Jew Scouts,” he often struggles to fully grasp the history, traditions, and rituals of his religion. Though he appears more knowledgeable in later seasons, this could be attributed to his parents’ misguided efforts to shield him from the complexities of their faith. Whether or not it’s appropriate to label Kyle an “infidel”—meaning someone disloyal to his religion—is debatable. For example: In “Starvin’ Marvin,” Kyle is seen eating ham at King Jimmy’s Buffet. Either he doesn’t know that ham isn’t kosher, or he simply doesn’t adhere to Jewish dietary laws. It’s worth noting that Kyle’s parents were present. (Though Kyle might just belong to a non‑kosher sect.) When Kyle learned that his adoptive brother Ike was going to undergo a bris, he mistakenly believed the procedure involved cutting off the entire penis rather than just the foreskin. This was despite the fact that Kyle himself had been circumcised—though he was too young to remember the procedure and hadn’t realized he’d been circumcised. (Though this could be excused, since neither of his parents had ever explained circumcision to him before, and Chef’s misunderstanding led him to wrongly assume the procedure involved cutting off the entire penis.) After watching Mel Gibson’s “The Passion of the Christ,” Kyle reluctantly admitted to Cartman that Cartman had been right all along about the Jews—and he stood up in his synagogue to demand that the Jewish community apologize for the death of Christ. Ironically, Kyle personally killed Jesus in “Fantastic Easter Special,” though the act wasn’t driven by malice—it was Jesus’ own request, so that he could resurrect himself and save Stan and the “Hare Club for Men” from being boiled alive like rabbits. Kyle was initially hesitant to agree to Jesus’ request, and concerned about the implications of a Jewish person killing Christ; he ultimately agreed only on the condition that Eric Cartman would never find out about it—echoing the unproven yet highly controversial claim that Judas betrayed Christ at Jesus’ request, rather than out of malicious intent. When Kyle learned of the Catholic Church’s conditions for entering Heaven, he renounced his faith, reasoning that if the Jews were right about the matter, it wouldn’t make a difference whether he was Catholic—but if the Catholics were right, he would go to Hell for failing to accept Christ. In “Chickenpox,” when his father explained how society works, Kyle came up with a “better idea”: send all the poor people to concentration camps, leaving only the wealthy to live. Gerald quickly realized he was being intolerant of those less fortunate than himself and stopped the plan immediately. This suggests that, at least early in the show’s run, Kyle didn’t fully grasp the Holocaust or other forms of genocide. Despite being Jewish, Kyle seemed genuinely excited about the Baconalia event happening at the local Denny’s. Cartman used “bacon-filled pancakes” as bait to lure Kyle into the Crack Baby Basketball League. Though Kyle isn’t seen eating bacon, his enthusiasm raises questions about whether he adheres to kosher dietary laws as part of his Jewish faith.[7] In “Cartmanland,” Kyle briefly renounces his faith after developing a hemorrhoid—while Cartman inherits a million dollars and buys a theme park. However, his faith is restored when Cartman loses control of the theme park and runs into trouble with the Internal Revenue Service. Talents According to Mr. Garrison, Kyle is a “smart” student who consistently earns A+ grades. Alongside the other boys, Kyle is portrayed as possessing a variety of useful—and sometimes trivial—talents. Yet, in rare moments, he’s also depicted as somewhat ignorant, much like most children. Knowledge of the Universe In “The Tooth Fairy Tats 2000,” Kyle begins to question reality after discovering that the Tooth Fairy isn’t real. He reads every book on psychology, reality, and science ever written—leading him to wonder whether he truly exists. By the end of the episode, Kyle seems to fade from existence, briefly entering a godlike state that distorts reality and gives rise to a giant squirrel–chicken hybrid. In the end, he returns to normal, shrugging off the experience. Later, toward the end of “Cartman’s Incredible Gift,” Kyle screams at Cartman and the other “psychic” detectives, causing the lights to flicker and the shelves behind his hospital bed to shake, sending their contents crashing to the floor. Video Gaming Kyle owns an Xbox and is often seen playing video games with Stan, Kenny, and Cartman. In “Guitar Queer-O,” the boys praise Kyle and Stan’s skill on Guitar Hero 123—and later in the episode, they reach the million-point mark together in co-op mode, a feat once thought nearly impossible. In “Whale W*****,” Kyle is shown playing guitar or bass in Rock Band, performing the song “Poker Face.” Sports Kyle has played numerous sports, including basketball, football, baseball (though he can’t stand baseball and secretly wished he could lose).[8] He’s also played soccer, hockey, and dodgeball—and he’s incredibly athletic. Kyle is known as one of the top basketball players at South Park Elementary, one of only two sports where Stan isn’t the best (the other being dodgeball, where Pip is considered the star). However, in “Mr. Garrison’s Fancy New Vagina,” Kyle tries out for the all-state basketball team—but is rejected not because of his skills, but because he’s short and Jewish (rather than tall and Black). Strangely, Kyle wasn’t on the basketball team in “Elementary School Musical,” though this was likely done to avoid involving Kyle in the latest fad. Kyle has stated that he hopes to play for the Denver Nuggets someday. On the football team, however, he’s exceptionally talented. He scores a touchdown, showcasing his skills. He plays guard in basketball, wide receiver in football, and second base in baseball. He even claims to be better at basketball than Cartman—because Cartman is fat.[9] Music In “Hooked on Monkey Phonics,” Kyle plays the guitar to serenade home-schooled Rebecca and sings to her, and Rebecca responds by tossing him money. He also performs with the boy band Fingerbang in “Something You Can Do with Your Finger.” And he joins Stan in their quest to reach one million points in co-op mode on Guitar Hero, in “Guitar Queer-O.” He’s also seen performing a musical number in “Elementary School Musical.” He even plays bass in the boys’ band Moop. However, he doesn’t seem to have much rhythm when it comes to dancing—like in “Rainforest Shmainforest,” where he keeps messing up every time the group performs (though in “Elementary School Musical,” the main boys perform a long and complex dance routine flawlessly). In “Mecha-Streisand,” Kyle even shouts after Robert Smith, “‘Disintegration’ is the best album ever!” Computer Skills Kyle demonstrates relatively strong computer skills, as shown in “The Snuke,” where he uses various public resources to thwart a terrorist threat from a Soviet-style militant. In the film, he initiates research on the clitoris and accidentally stumbles upon pornography featuring Liane Cartman. When arrested by the Japanese government for ecoterrorism in “Whale W*****,” Stan enlists Kyle’s help—while Kyle remains in South Park—to manipulate an image showing a dolphin and whale in the Enola Gay into a cow and chicken. Kyle is also active on social media platforms like Facebook and frequently uses popular electronic devices such as Apple’s iPad in “HUMANCENTiPAD.” During the events of “Bass to Mouth,” he solves the mystery of who’s behind the Eavesdropper website scandal by tracking the IP address within the school. He’s considered the most tech-savvy student in his entire class. Writing and Poetry Kyle occasionally phrases his thoughts in a poetic way when he speaks philosophically, questioning reality and why things are the way they are. In “Roger Ebert Should Lay off the Fatty Foods,” Mr. Garrison begins to explain haiku—a form of poetry—to the class, but stops when he notices Cartman isn’t in the classroom. Shortly thereafter, Kyle spontaneously composes three haiku, all of which are used to mock Cartman. In “The Wacky Molestation Adventure,” Kyle learns that Cartman had three extra tickets for the 28th row at the Raging Pussies concert—but Kyle’s mom tells him he can’t go unless he’s finished all his chores and has helped bring democracy to Cuba (an impossible task, she says). This prompts Kyle to write a letter to Fidel Castro, who is ultimately persuaded to bring democracy to Cuba after reading Kyle’s innocent, persuasive rhymes, lyrics, and words. Kyle also takes a leading role in writing “The Tale of Scrotie McBoogerballs” with the other boys in “The Tale of Scrotie McBoogerballs.” Languages In “Cartman’s Silly Hate Crime 2000,” Kyle seems to speak Pig Latin with remarkable ease—even managing to outpace Stan in conversation. He can also speak and understand Marklar well. Superhero Alter-Ego See: Human Kite Health Kyle gets sick more often than any of the other boys—despite Kenny’s repeated deaths. He experiences a painful, infectious hemorrhoid when Cartman inherits $1 million from his grandmother and uses it to buy his own amusement park in “Cartmanland.” He also suffers from kidney failure and requires a kidney transplant in “Cherokee Hair Tampons.” In “Guitar Queer-O,” illness prevents Kyle from practicing Guitar Hero as much as Stan does. By contrast, in “Chickenpox,” he’s the only person in his class who doesn’t easily catch the disease—even after playing a game where Kenny spits into his mouth and he’s forced to swallow it while saying, “Ooky Mouth.” He eventually contracts the illness after prolonged exposure to Stan and Cartman, and his case proves more severe than those of the other children. Kyle and Cartman share the AB negative blood type, as revealed in “Cherokee Hair Tampons.” It was also revealed in “Cherokee Hair Tampons” that Kyle is diabetic—which may be the root cause of his many health concerns. He also shows signs of poor oral health after receiving two dental fillings in “You Have 0 Friends.” List of Health Problems Chickenpox (possibly shingles) in “Chickenpox” (semi-serious—Kyle faints and collapses backward, but he’s stabilized at the hospital). Kidney Failure in “Cherokee Hair Tampons” (fatal unless he receives a kidney match for his AB- blood type; Stan tricks Cartman into donating a kidney). Type I Diabetes, mentioned in “Cherokee Hair Tampons.” Hemorrhoid in “Cartmanland” (becomes severely infected—Kyle nearly loses hope after a religious crisis, as the condition leads to heart failure. Stan wheels Kyle to the amusement park; Kyle regains hope when he witnesses Cartman’s tantrum). Carpal Tunnel Syndrome (CTS) in “Make Love, Not Warcraft.” Dies of AIDS in “Woodland Critter Christmas” (in Cartman’s story), though he actually contracted AIDS in “Tonsil Trouble.” He’s cured of AIDS through a cash injection. He catches a common cold during the events of “The Snuke,” but recovers by the end of the episode. While not directly related to his health, the following incidents put his life at risk: He almost dies in a Smug Storm in “Smug Alert!”—but Cartman saves him. He dies in “Imaginationland, Episode II” from a ManBearPig attack—but Cartman revives him. He dies in “Imaginationland, Episode III” from a missile fired by Al Gore (reimagined by Butters). He bangs his head in “Cartman’s Incredible Gift.” Another example of his poor health is contracting bird flu in the Season 27 trailer. Grounded Moments Like the other boys, Kyle is rarely grounded. He regrets most of the punishments he receives. Kyle has been grounded on the following occasions: South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut – Kyle is grounded for two weeks with the other boys for going to see an R‑rated Terrance and Phillip movie, which leads to Kenny’s death. “Fun with Veal” – Kyle, along with the rest of the boys, is grounded for keeping calves from being slaughtered and sold as veal—and for defying his parents when he refers to his mother, Sheila, as a “baby cow‑killing b****.” “Butt Out” – Kyle is grounded for three weeks for smoking outside school with the other boys and for accidentally starting a fire on campus. “Major Boobage” – Kyle’s parents ground him in this episode after catching him hiding a cat and mistakenly thinking he was “cheesing” when, in fact, Kyle was trying to keep the cat away from Kenny. However, his grounding is quickly lifted after his father, Gerald—who later “cheeses” himself—is caught in a massive scandal. Criminal Record Kyle has committed various crimes throughout the series. Child Abuse: He’s said, “Ready Ike? Kick the baby!” and kicked his brother Ike around like a football numerous times—such as in “Cartmen Gets an Anal Probe” and “South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut”—though Ike somehow manages to avoid injury in each instance. Negligence: In “Cartman Gets an Anal Probe,” he leaves Ike behind at the bus stop, resulting in Ike’s abduction by Visitors. Kyle spends the rest of the episode trying to rescue him. In “Ike’s Wee Wee,” he puts Ike on a freight train bound for Lincoln, Nebraska, in an attempt to stop his parents from circumcising Ike. Upon arrival, Ike is used as a table stand at a bar there. In “The Wacky Molestation Adventure,” Kyle plays football with Ike and asks him to throw the ball—but when Ike tries to throw it, he accidentally drops it on himself, sinking into the snow. When Kyle tries to help Ike, his friends interrupt and invite him to The Raging Pussies, and Kyle forgets about Ike being stuck. Later in the same episode, after Kyle and Ike’s parents are arrested, Ike is shown sticking a fork into a toaster. Drug Abuse (Taking Hallucinogens): He’s taken a hallucinogen (LSD/acid) in “Smug Alert!” False Imprisonment: In “Cartman Gets an Anal Probe,” following Wendy’s advice, he ties Cartman to a tree, using him as bait to lure the Visitors back to Earth—and to create an opportunity to rescue Ike. In “Spontaneous Combustion,” he and Stan, as part of a passion play at the latter’s church, tie Cartman to a cross and place him atop a nearby hill. Instead of untying him, they leave him there, hoping he’ll die and resurrect, thereby helping to solve his father’s impotence in some way. Filing a False Police Report: In “The Wacky Molestation Adventure,” he lies to the police about his parents abusing him. Attempted Assisted Suicide: In “Death,” he tries to help Stan kill his grandfather at the latter’s request, as Stan has lost his will to live. They fail in their attempt. Underage Smoking: In “Butt Out,” he and the other three boys smoke because he and his three best friends don’t want to be like the people who tell them how bad smoking is—and because the “Butt Out” auditorium assembly says that if they don’t smoke, they’ll end up just like those people. Eavesdropping: Along with Stan, he secretly records Cartman playing with dolls in “Cartman’s Mom is a Dirty S***.” Despite their counselor Mr. Mackey’s assurance that this is legal, it’s considered eavesdropping under the law, as it involves secretly recording someone’s conversations without their consent—and is therefore a crime. Usage of Illegal Fireworks: At the end of “Summer Sucks,” he and Stan use two Tijuana bottle rockets smuggled into the U.S. by Jimbo and Ned to destroy the giant snake firework threatening the entire United States. Using fireworks of this kind is illegal in the state of Colorado. Trespassing: In “Chef’s Chocolate Salty Balls,” he ventures into the sewers to visit Mr. Hankey. In “Cartmanland,” he attempts to break into Cartman’s theme park—but pops his hemorrhoid trying to get in and is subsequently hospitalized. Assault: Enraged by Cartman’s wasteful spending at the Cow Day festival in “Cow Days,” he attacks him. He’s also attacked Cartman in numerous other episodes. Academic Fraud: In “Gnomes,” Kyle and his study group (his friends and Tweek) use the essay Tweek’s dad wrote for them. This is academic fraud, because they’re claiming they created a piece of academic work they didn’t write. Burglary: In “Prehistoric Ice Man,” he breaks into Dr. Mephesto’s laboratory and frees Larry. Assault/Fighting: In “Prehistoric Ice Man,” he gets into a dispute with Stan over Larry’s name (he calls him “Steve,” Stan calls him “Gorak”)—a conflict that ultimately escalates into a brawl at the train station. Conspiracy to Commit Treason: In “Chinpokomon,” he gets caught up in the Chinpokomon fad. As a result, he’s brainwashed by the Japanese into launching an attack on Pearl Harbor—but his parents stop him through reverse psychology and (contradictory) words of wisdom from Stan. Use of Weapons of Mass Destruction/Manslaughter: In “World Wide Recorder Concert,” in an effort to outdo the New York kids at Yoko Ono’s recorder concert, he and his friends alter their song sheets to contain the brown note—so that when the New York kids play their music, they’ll lose bowel control, soiling their pants and humiliating them. However, the organizers discover the revised sheet, believing it’s meant for the entire performance—and the fake sheet music is distributed to every single child at the concert. As a result, the brown note—backed by the lungs of over four million American third-graders—is heard around the world, with disastrous consequences and, in at least one case, loss of life. The Boys do, however, succeed in impressing the New York kids. Organized Criminal Activity: In “The Tooth Fairy Tats 2000,” he becomes involved in the tooth trade. Attempting to Facilitate a Prison Escape/Smuggling Contraband into a Correctional Facility: In “Cartman’s Silly Hate Crime 2000,” he attempts to give Cartman a cake with a file hidden inside, hoping to help him break out of prison. However, due to prison regulations prohibiting inmates from bringing food to their cells, he fails to deliver the cake. He does, however, give Cartman cigarettes. Drug Abuse: In “Timmy 2000,” he and all of South Park get high on Ritalin. In “Butt Out,” he and the boys take up smoking. In “Quest for Ratings,” he and the rest of the Sexy Action School News team get high on cough medicine—as a hallucinogen—to try to find ideas for their next show. In “Smug Alert!,” he takes acid to cope with his father’s newfound smugness from owning a hybrid and living in San Francisco. Framing/Lying to Law Enforcement: In “The Wacky Molestation Adventure,” he claims to have been molested in order to get his parents sent to prison. His parents are promptly arrested and, without a formal trial, are sent directly to prison. Civil Unrest/Rioting: Participant in the South Park Elementary gender war in “Proper Condom Use.” False Imprisonment / Trespassing: In “The Entity,” he tricks his cousin Kyle Schwartz into boarding a freight plane bound for Antarctica. False Advertising: In “Jared Has Aides,” he, along with Stan and Cartman, attempts to create an ad campaign for City Wok in the style of Subway’s Jared campaign—claiming that Butters lost weight by eating food there—when in reality, they simply performed liposuction surgery on him (see below). Performing Surgery Without a License: In “Jared Has Aides,” he, along with Stan and Cartman, perform liposuction surgery on Butters as part of the fraudulent promotion for City Wok (see above). Terrorism/Burglary/Theft: In “Fun with Veal,” he, Stan, Cartman, and Butters—disgusted after discovering that veal comes from baby calves—rescue several of them and bring them to Stan’s house, barricading themselves in Stan’s room and refusing to leave. After a long standoff with the authorities, they’re eventually captured and arrested—but they do succeed in forcing the FDA to change the name of veal to “tortured baby cow meat,” causing veal demand to plummet and saving the calves from their fate. Arson: In “Butt Out,” he and the other boys accidentally burn the school to the ground. He also causes a fire in preschool that leaves Miss Claridge with serious, life‑threatening burns. Burglary/Theft: In “The Simpsons Already Did It,” he, Stan, Cartman, and Tweek—thinking they accidentally killed Ms. Choksondik by putting brine shrimp in her coffee (the news reporting semen, which they misheard as “Sea-Men,” was discovered in her stomach)—attempt to cover their tracks by breaking into the morgue and stealing the semen sample recovered from her. Breaking and Entering: In “Free Hat,” he, Stan, Cartman, and Tweek break into Skywalker Ranch in an attempt to steal the original print of Raiders of the Lost Ark, hoping to prevent it from being remastered. However, they’re caught in the process. Vandalism: In “Toilet Paper,” he and the boys toilet-paper their art teacher’s house. Despite the relatively mild nature of this crime, Kyle feels extreme guilt—and even suffers nightmares about the (nonexistent) terror he helped inflict on the teacher and her family. Attempted Murder: In “South Park is Gay!,” after being bullied for not conforming to the metrosexual fad, he decides, along with Mr. Garrison and Mr. Slave, to travel to New York City and murder the hosts of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy for popularizing the fad. Their plans are foiled when Mr. Slave seriously injures himself trying to crash through a glass window. Despite this, the hosts don’t press charges against them, so the police don’t prosecute the trio. Murder: In “Sexual Healing,” he and Butters are ordered by President Obama to shoot at a “wizard alien” who, unbeknownst to them, is a soldier dressed up in an alien costume. However, this doesn’t really count as a crime—since the authorities forced them to kill the soldier and tricked them into believing he was an alien. Illegally Downloading Music: In “Christian Rock Hard,” he, Stan, and Kenny try to find inspiration for their band Moop and download various songs from the internet illegally. They’re swiftly arrested by the FBI and forced to witness the ever-so-slightly-reduced luxury musicians endure because of music piracy’s minimal-to-negligible impact on their income—after which they’re promptly released. Endangerment/Medical Neglect: In “Good Times with Weapons,” he and the rest of the boys refuse to take an injured Butters to a hospital, fearing their parents will discover what they’ve done to him. Instead, they disguise him as a dog and try to take him to an animal hospital. Butters escapes, is found by a shelter, and nearly put down. Suggesting Oral Rape (Suggesting Rape): Even though Kyle only meant for Cartman to have his (Cartman’s) penis in Butters’ mouth to “cancel out the gay polarity” as a joke—or as a way to mess with Cartman, “reverse Cartman being gay by sticking Butters’ penis in his mouth” in “Cartman Sucks”—even though later dialogues (“You finally figured it [that it wouldn’t cancel out any gay polarity] out, huh?” suggest he suspected Cartman wouldn’t actually go through with the attempt, he still voices it. Though this remains unconfirmed, because nowhere in the episode does Kyle specify that this should happen through rape.
